Can We Start Again
by Aisho Ren
Summary: In the aftermath of Andy's death Matt and Kelly's relationship has fallen apart.
1. Nightmares and Feelings

First Multi-chapter fic. Also the longest thing I have ever written.

Matt could feel himself slipping further into the hole. He tried desperately to dig his heels in but there was no traction. His arms ache with the weight of a full grown man. But he's not letting go.

"Matt!" Kelly looks up from where he's dangling above the flames. "I'm sorry." And Kelly lets go. Because he won't pull Matt down with him.

"Kelly!" Matt screams. There's no way down. No way for Kelly to get out. All he can do is watch Kelly burn. "Kelly!" 

"Kelly!" Matt bolted up his voice hoarse from screaming. He was shaking franticly, on the verge of sobbing. He's been having the same dream over and over ever since the apartment fire.

He knew that wasn't really what happened. Kelly had walked away from fire without even needing to go to the hospital. But he can't stop seeing it. Every time he closes his eyes he's confronted with the vision of his ex-boyfriend burning to death.

Matt's stomach churned violently. He needs to see Kelly. He needs to see him right now. He doesn't care that its the middle of the night or that Kelly is more likely to yell at him rather than calm his fears. He just has to see him. Matt heads out the door not even bothering to change his clothes.

Kelly was woken up by someone pounding franticlly on the apartment door. He heard Shay grumbling so he didn't bother getting up. Shay was scary when she didn't get her sleep. She'd take care of it.

"Kelly!" Shay yelled. Kelly bolted out of bed. Shay sounded panicked. He ran downstairs ready to kick someone's ass. Then froze at the sight that greeted him.

It was Matt. He was deathly pale and visibly shaking. It looked like he was be on the verge of tears. In all the years they'd know each other Kelly had never seen him like this.

"Matt? What is it? What's wrong?" Kelly began to check Matt over for injuries while Shay hovered in the background. "Talk to me Buddy." Kelly pleaded putting his hands on Matt's shoulders.

With Kelly's obvious concern and the gentle touch Matt let himself collapse against Kelly wrapping his arms around the other man. He needs this. He needs to be able to feel that Kelly is alive. _Just for a minute._ _Please let me have this just for a minute._

Kelly wrapped his arms around Matt supporting the other man as he moved them to the couch. He still didn't know what was wrong but Matt obviously needed him right now. "I've got you Matt." It should be awkward doing this after what happened between them. But it isn't.

Matt ends up practically in Kelly's lap. He puts a hand over Kelly's heart. His fear finally begins to fade with this unmistakeable proof that his nightmare was only a nightmare. "You keep falling. I can't hold you." He whispered.

Something warm swelled up inside Kelly's chest. For the past three months he's been doing his best to maintain an icy demeanor to match the ice inside him. Now it was melting. "I didn't fall. You didn't let me fall. You saved me."

Kelly continued to whisper assurances while rubbing Matt's back soothingly. Matt nestled close. He was so exhausted. And the comfort he was feeling was too hard to resist. He drifted off to sleep feeling better than he had in months.

Kelly was left watching the other man sleep. He didn't try to move afraid of waking Matt. He obviously needs sleep. Kelly frowned at the dark circles surrounding Matt's eyes. Unconsciously he reached out his hand brushing Matt's cheek.

Matt sighed at the soft touch and leaned into it. Kelly was filled with an overwhelming sense of longing. What he and Matt had before Andy's death was something some people sent their entire lives looking for. And they'd lost it.

But Matt still felt something for him. He must if he was able to accept this comfort after how cruel Kelly had been. Matt wasn't a physical person. He didn't accept this type of closeness from just anyone even when he needed it.

 _Do I still feel something?_ Kelly refocused on the man in his arms taking everything in. _Yes._ Its been buried beneath anger, grief, and guilt. But the feelings are still there. He's never cared about anyone like he cares about Matt. He's nearly positive he never will.

Could they fix this? Was it possible to get back what they'd had? Did Matt even want too? Kelly found himself terrified that the answer would be no. _Maybe I can convince him._ If he can prove to Matt that he'd serious he might stand a chance. As he drifted off Kelly both anticipated and dreaded the morning.


	2. Decisions

The first thing that Matt noticed when he woke up was that he felt good. Well rested, warm, safe. Better than he'd felt in months. Then he realized why. His head was pillowed on a broad chest and strong arms were wrapped tightly around him. It was incredibly familiar.

 _Kelly._ The previous night came flooding back. He'd shown up at Kelly's place a complete mess. And Kelly hadn't turned him away. Kelly had actually comforted him. And given their positions it seemed like Kelly had held him all night. _Why?_

Matt was so confused. Kelly had been so cold to him since Andy's death. He acted like everything they'd shared had meant nothing. No matter what Matt had done Kelly refused to talk to him. Even after that day at the hospital there had still been this wall between them that Kelly refused to take down. Matt had been certain that whatever they'd had was lost forever. Yet here he was in Kelly's arms. What did it mean?

Kelly began to stir and Matt quickly jumped up. Kelly frowned, green eyes fluttered open immediately seeking Matt out. "Matt?" His expression a mix of confusion and uncertainty.

Matt ducked his head embarrassed. "I'll just go." He mumbled. _He doesn't want you here. You made him uncomfortable. You can work together again. Don't screw it up with your feelings._ He turned for the door.

Kelly's eyes widen and he reached out quickly to stop Matt from leaving. "Wait." _Why is he running away? Is he…...scared of me?_ The thought that Matt might be afraid of him was horrifying. He wasn't that kind of man. "Matt...Can we talk?" Kelly was all but pleading at this point.

Matt finally looked at Kelly. He was surprised at what he saw. Kelly was a master at hiding what he was feeling. But not this time. There was a vast array of emotions playing across his face. Worry. Confusion. Sadness. "Okay."

Kelly took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Matt. I'm so so sorry. We had something good and I broke it. I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault. You were reaching out and all I did was hurt you." Kelly's anguish at his actions was clearly evident. "I miss what we had. I miss you. I have no right to ask this after what I did. But can we start again?"

Matt was completely overwhelmed. He couldn't believe that Kelly would allow himself to be this vulnerable in front of anyone. That was what convinced him that Kelly was being serious. He was honestly sorry and he wanted to be with Matt again.

But Matt didn't know if he could do it. "You hurt me. You might have pushed me away but you had Shay to help you. I didn't have anyone." Matt doesn't think he can ever forget how much that hurt. Kelly was the only person who could have helped him deal with Andy's death but he'd cruelly pushed him away. "I don't know if I can trust you again."

Kelly bowed his head sadly. _Just like him._ He was just like his father. Abandoning the people who needed him when things got hard. "I understand. Do you want me to leave? Will it be easier if you don't have to see me? I can put in for a transfer."

 _He's just as broken as I am._ Before Matt knew it he was closing the distance between them. "Hey. I said I don't know if I can trust you again." Kelly flinched. "That doesn't mean I don't want to try."

Matt's brain is telling him this is a bad idea. That Kelly will only hurt him again the next time things get hard. But then Kelly looked at him with the most beautiful smile. "Thank you." Kelly hugged him and Matt let his heart lead instead. Being with Kelly felt so right. He's not going to give up on that just because he's scared of getting hurt again.

"It will be different this time Matt. I promise." Kelly knew it wouldn't be easy. There was still so much to talk about. So many issues to work through. He'll have to tell Matt about his injury and the painkillers. But its worth it. Matt is worth it.


	3. Secrets & Confessions

When Matt had agreed to give their relationship another try Kelly had promised him that things would be different this time. That meant he couldn't push Matt away again and keep things bottled up. But he was so very scared. He's been a firefighter all his life. He doesn't know who he is without the job.

If he doesn't know who he is then how can he possibly be the person Matt needs? The person he promised Matt he could be. Losing his job would be unbearable. But losing Matt again would destroy him. He would have nothing left.

Matt wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "I'm here babe. Talk to me." He could tell that something was wrong. And he needed to be able to help. _Don't shut me out again. You promised._

"Matt…" Kelly took a deep breath and squeezed Matt's hand tightly. Holding onto the other man like a lifeline. "I hurt myself. The day Andy died."

Matt frowned worriedly. "Your shoulder?" _If he's this worried how bad is it?_ He hasn't noticed. Why hadn't he noticed? Matt's hands ran up and down Kelly's shoulders almost frantically.

"It's bad Matt. Really bad. What am I supposed to do? I can't lose the job. I'm a firefighter. It's who I am." Kelly was shaking visibly from the effort it was taking to try and keep himself from breaking down. "If I lose the job I lose everything."

"What about me?" _Don't I matter more than the job?_ Matt's heart was aching for the man in his arms. He'd give anything to be able to take some of that pain away. At hearing Kelly say the job was all he had felt a rush of anger. "Don't I count for anything?"

Matt pulled away. He wasn't sure where to go. He just needed to be away from Kelly right now. He couldn't believe this. _You promised damnit._ He'd forgiven Kelly for hurting him and here Kelly was acting like their relationship meant nothing again.

"No!" Kelly lunged for Matt franticly. In his haste he ended up tripping and slammed against the wall. He cried out, tears filling his eyes at the agony that lanced through his shoulder.

"Kelly!" Matt scrambled to Kelly's side. "Are you okay? Talk to me." Matt had never seen Kelly in this much pain.

Ignoring the pain Kelly grabbed Matt and held on with all his might. "Don't go. That wasn't what I meant. Don't go." He begged Matt desperately.

 _Oh._ "Sshhh." Matt hugged him stroking Kelly's hair soothingly. "I'm not leaving okay." Matt knew he needed to calm Kelly down. "Breathe for me okay. In and out. In and out." Matt kept talking softly as Kelly gradually calmed down.

Kelly took several deep breathes. "That wasn't what I meant Matt. Of course you matter. You're the most important thing in the world to me."

A light blush covered Matt's face. This was the first time he could remember Kelly actually verbalizing what Matt meant to him. "You're important to me too Kelly. I'm not leaving. Even if you can't be on the job anymore."

Kelly shook his head. "You say that now. But what happens when we don't have the job in common? When you'll be with everyone else talking about work and I can't? When I'm not the person you decided to be with anymore?"

Matt sighed exasperatedly. "Kelly James Severide. Being a firefighter is what you do. It's not who you are. You're brave, you're compassionate, you're smart. All the things that make me want to be with you were a part of you long before you were a firefighter. As for breaking up because we don't have the same job that's crap. Look at Hermman and Cindy. Hell look at almost any couple. The only way you'll ever lose me is if you stop trying to make us work. Are you going to?"

Kelly shook his head frantically. "No. I want this to work. I don't want to lose you."

"Then we'll be okay." Matt promised. "Whatever the outcome we're in this together."

Kelly leaned his head on Matt's shoulder. "We're gonna be okay." He repeated. Matt's here and he's not leaving. As long as he has Matt he'll be okay.


	4. Pushing Through

Matt had never once thought that it would be easy for Kelly to go through rehab. He'd known it would be a battle. Not just physically but emotionally. He'd tried to prepare himself for anything. He'd been prepared for a negative outcome of the surgery. He'd been prepared to deal with Kelly's frustration at being sidelined. He'd even been prepared to deal with Kelly's withdrawal from the painkillers.

Kelly had made it through the surgery without paralysis. His rehab was going smoothly. Matt had dealt patiently with each outburst. He'd held Kelly when he was a shaking, sobbing mess from the pain and unwilling to take anything for it. Matt had dealt with all of that.

But there was one thing Matt hadn't prepared himself for. He'd been so busy helping Kelly through everything he'd never thought about how he was going to get through it. Matt hadn't been willing to let himself show any hint of doubt or fear. He'd promised Kelly that they would be okay and he was going to keep that promise. But even the strongest person could only take so much.

"The doctor said it's going to take another two months. A month ago they said I'd be ready now. God Matt I can't take this anymore." Matt sat there staring at his phone as minutes passed. He knew that Kelly was at home waiting for him. But he couldn't make himself drive home.

Matt knew once he got home he'd have to reassure Kelly that everything was fine. He'd have to keep up that strong front not letting Kelly see his inner turmoil. He was so tired of being the strong one. Since Kelly had confessed to Matt about his shoulder Matt hadn't been able to let go once.

Outwardly he always had to appear calm and positive. He'd promised Kelly that they were going to get through this. And he was going to keep that promise no matter what. But he was just so tired of being strong.

Silent tears began to pour out. He's so afraid that Kelly won't be okay. He knows what it will do to him if he can't keep being a firefighter. This is the person he cares for more than anyone else in the world and there's so little Matt can do to help him.

Matt wasn't sure how long he sat there breaking down before his phone buzzed. 'Matt are you okay? Where are you?' Matt wiped away the tears and looked at the time. "Crap." It was super late. Kelly must be so worried. Matt felt a flush of guilt. Kelly didn't need to be worried about him. He sent off a quick text and headed home.

Matt was slow as he walked up the stairs. He wanted to be in there with Kelly. Of course he did. But at the same time he wanted to be anywhere else. He took a deep breath and walked in. His jaw dropped.

Pasta and chicken was steaming on the table. The lights were off and there were candles. HIs favorite jazz was playing softly. What was going on?

"Hey Matt." Kelly hugged him happy to have his boyfriend home. But Matt didn't hug him back."Matt?" He frowned at Matt's lack of response. "Is this okay? I wasn't trying to treat you like a woman I swear. I just wanted to do something for you." This was all he'd been able to think of.

"Why?" Matt winced as soon as he said it. That was awful of him. You didn't ask that when someone did something nice for you.

 _Oh._ Kelly smiled softly. Matt's confusion didn't surprise him. The other man gave and gave and gave without ever expecting a single thing in return. "I know this hasn't been easy for you. I've been a giant pain in the ass about all this." He kissed Matt tenderly. "I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for not giving up on me."

Several tears made their way down Matt's face. _God I love him so much._ Kelly's words didn't completely ease the weight Matt was feeling. That would only happen once he knew for sure Kelly would be okay. But it did go a long way to easing it. _We'll get through this._ Whether Kelly had intended it or not he'd taken some of the weight.

"Matt?" Kelly brushed away the tears worriedly. "What is it?"

"I love you." Matt whispered feverently. Matt wrapped his arms around Kelly tightly. "I love you so much."

Kelly sighed with relief. "I love you too Matt." As long as they were together they could get through anything.


	5. We're Gonna Make It

I cannot find more inspiration to continue this story . Sorry. So here's the end. Sorry. I will try to write more Sevasey soon. If any of you have ideas for stories I'd love to hear them.

* * *

Kelly was nervous. He could put off what he was about to do. After all he'd just decided to do it this morning. He should take time to think about it. It was such a big decision.

But now that the idea was in his head he couldn't let it go. He needed to do this now. Before he did something stupid again.

He ignored everyone trying to talk to him. Instead he walked straight to Matt's office. "Matt…"

The other man looked up started. "Kelly?" He quickly went to his partner. "Are you okay?" He'd thought the check up was tomorrow. Was he wrong? Had Kelly gotten bad news? "What's wrong?"

Kelly smiled at Matt's concern. "I'm fine Matt. Nothing's wrong. I just needed to talk to you." He squeezed Matt's hand gently and took a deep breath.

"Matt you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was so stupid to let you go and I'm so glad you gave me another chance. I wouldn't have made it through everything that's happened these past few months without you. I never want to have to be without you again. Nothing makes sense without you. I love you so much." Deep breath. Kelly got down on one knee." Matthew Casey will you marry me?"

Matt gasped. He'd never expected this from Kelly. He knew that Kelly loved him. He was sure of that. But deep down he'd still doubted that they would last forever. His deepest fear was that he would someday lose the other man again. And now Kelly was saying he wanted to marry him. Kelly wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

"Yes. Yes. Yes." Matt flung himself into Kelly's arms. "Yes I'll marry you."

The two men kissed oblivious to the commotion going on. _We're gonna make it. No matter what happens. Together._


End file.
